What a statement! I had to laugh and say I couldn't possibly do this topic, because, let's face it - I know SO MUCH! You're probably the same!
The thing I love about artistic people, is (for the most part!) they are encouraging, sharing, and generally more interested in creating beautiful stuff than judging you. Which is why our ATC club is one of my happy places. Perhaps I am just really lucky with my group?! So it almost goes with out saying that though there are things we value and are sacred to ourselves, religion and politics are best left tactfully on the fringe for the night. That being said, I am sure people who know me will know that there are many levels to the title I chose for my cards! And this is my blog. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it. But I can't help but praise Him. I could spend a looooooong time telling you what Jesus has done for me.
I was, of course, joking when I said I know so much. Truth be told; and I am sure it is not as uncommon as we are made to feel, I don't know so much. There are many days when I think quietly to myself, what the hang is going on here?! And we act like a duck... you know - all calm looking on the surface, but underneath is a whole other story... And feel free to skip to the pictures instead of reading my introspection here - I certainly don't blame you! Usually I avoid too much navel gazing, what I know, what I don't. Principally it is because I have struggled with (not suffered from, I do not see myself as a victim, but it is a battle) clinical depression for many, many years, and thinking, or more especially - OVER thinking, can be very bad for your health, particularly if you're not in your right mind! It has come and gone throughout my adult life, especially as PND. Your hormones tend to go haywire and some women get a touch, others a touch more, and some of us go completely off the deep end. More than once. People ask why, then, I chose to have four kids. Really? Do we not do things because they are difficult? Does that make them not worth while? Why study? Why exercise? Why have any self discipline? (And I am SO not preaching here!!) Besides, after our third child was born, we KNEW we weren't complete. After the fourth was born - we knew we were beyond a doubt! It sounds strange, I can see that. But this is our wee family. I would love to have more kids, btw, I love big families, but I know it is not for us, and I am certain I have as many as I can cope with! (And I am looking at the big picture- can you imagine my home in 30 years time with all my grand-kids? I love that. And then they go home and I get my peace and quiet back :) )
That is a long winded way of saying, life is tough. But it is not without it's blessings. We each have struggles, and what may seem as a small deal to you can be insurmountable to others. What I could achieve as a young, childless, unmarried woman now seems impossible for me to believe! Was I ever that out-going, energetic, positive, driven, slim....?? Currently I am trying a new medication and I had a migraine over the weekend and forgot to take it.... I can't quite believe the side effects from missing two days! And the 'normal' side effects (well, the ones that hit me) are: random panic attacks, extreme fatigue and occasional allergic reactions...! It took me three months to 'get used' to this medication. While I feel good in a 'mental state' (SSRIs working - yay!), I either have no energy to go out and see or often even call friends, or I go out and risk the chance - and it happens more often than I care to admit, of having a panic attack. Such fun! In a round about way, this is an apology to everyone who hasn't seen me for the past six or seven months! I am wondering if the side effects make it worth it, but to change it would take me another four to six months of side effects/possible side effects - who knows what?! So do you stick with the devil you know?
Depression has taught me many things. I'd still like to get rid of it - it has gone away before and I am sure it will again, but it is a waiting game. But one thing in particular I have learnt is that negative voices in my head are NOT me. I am not a lazy, useless, (insert all manner of negative adjectives here) person. But this is not the time for me to bask in the success of everything I want to achieve. When I am less tired, watch me go! But I must be patient. And doesn't that suck! So, where not all depression can be 'cured' with CBT, or self talk, or whatever you'd like to call it, you do have to chose your thoughts. As a Christian, I believe the Bible, and I as such, I have to believe what Christ says about me. And believe me, that is ALL good! But it isn't easy either, is it? Looking in the mirror and telling yourself that you are something other than what you FEEL has almost made me ill. It has certainly made me cry! But I came to a place some time ago that REGARDLESS of how I FEEL, I KNOW that is not my reality. And that is not the same as living in denial - that is a fat lie. Woah-boy, better get back on track or this will be all about trying to help people with depression and not about art.... that is a much longer story. But please email me if you want to talk about it some more. One point I am trying to make is, although I contest with depression (yes, I see it as an enemy!) I am actually quite a happy and positive person. I am still me, I just have to throw off this heavy, wet blanket so I can stand again. I can only imagine what I could do if I wasn't too scared to try... But I will take as much with me from this experience as I can - it has robbed me of enough!
Even with such a ridiculously small amount of energy, I am determined to count my blessings, instead of what I think I am missing out on. As with many people, I am sure, I have dreams that have not even come close to fruition. But in counting my blessings I remember that what I have now is what I once dreamed about. That's a pretty cool reminder in itself! Some days it is harder than others to practice this! For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be married to an architect, be a stay at home mum, and make art. Hello?? What have I got to complain about?! I have exactly what I always wanted. I just expected it to either be easier, or for me to be better at it! Yes, I find constant care and responsibility for the physical, emotional and spiritual well being of 4 other people demanding and difficult. I worry all the time about how I could be screwing them up or what I could or should be doing better. I could spend hours beating myself up! But instead of looking at the green grass on the other side of the fence, I would rather be watering mine. Flipping heck it grows so slowly sometimes! But I WILL be patient. I will remember God's promises to me, and call on His grace, and live in that hope - which is not a 'someday maybe' wishful thinking hope; it is the Greek elpizo - a certainty. And please, please don't get me wrong. I love my kids and my job. I am just so frustratingly human!
Moving on!
The theme I settled on was:
One Thing I Know For Sure Is:
It has taken many years and a lot of experience to be comfortable with who I am. And I like me. There are many things I am not happy with. I am not perfect (but I am fearfully and wonderfully made- I love Ps 139!), and that's fine.I still have a way to go - maybe years, and that's fine too. I will rest in His promises. (Jer 29:11, Heb 10:23). And I will absolutely live in His grace!
Gathering my supplies - I love rummaging through art supplies! I covered my pre-cut ATCs with an aluminium duct tape.
Which I ran through the cuttlebug with one of Tim Holtz's folders. I loved the swirls, I felt the related well to the thumb print.
Then I got so busy covered in ink and paint I forgot all about the camera! Suffice to say, I used alcohol inks, embossing powers and acrylics to glaze and distress the card. I almost didn't want to finish them off I loved the look so much! I will certainly be doing that one again!
To pop on the front I made library pockets, which I distressed with distress inks and inserted cards (also distressed, of course!) stapled (imperfectly - lovely!) on a ribbon and added a couple of quotes that I like. I also wrote a quote on the back:
I know
I know people that make it look as though they work so hard 24/7, have immaculate homes (don't need any sleep, can eat what they like etc!) and produce amazing things. It can be discouraging! So don't look! Besides, would I
really want their life? Hold breath and count blessings again!
To complete the pockets, I stamped my thumb print onto some acetate and sewed it on. I added 'grace', because we really can't get enough, can we! Well, I need it! (Heb 4:16, PTL!)
You will, I am sure, recognise one of the quotes from Dr Seuss.
Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? is one of my favourite childhood books!
Absolutely LOVE this quote. It will go on my wall one day.
And just to add a few extra pickies to show how I try to live, or even the reality of life! I am in the mood for a bit of a giggle. I have done five loads of washing this morning, I deserve it! ;)
This is what Ariel would look like after kids and meds, and being happily married for so long :)
The Internet: Mummy's 'time out'....
I wonder if the grass is really greener - don't you?
I kid you not - sometimes a shower is a HUGE success. Especially if you get to have it on your own!!
Seriously, there are days like this..... And I don't mean ME!
Daydreaming....??
SO annoyingly me!
And a final titter.... :)
A friend of mine posted this quote the other day:
"Life is not an emergency. Life is a gift. Just. Slow. Down." Ann Voskamp
(but keep walking!)
